Kate and William’s celebrity guest list

 What do people wear to weddings? Hats. And who does headgear better than anyone else? Gaga, of course. She’d bound to break out something special for the big day – perhaps she could posh up her famous raw meat outfit with some swan or grouse, just for the occasion.

 Kate and William’s modest wedding reception plans include dancing back at the palace. But they might need some help to really get a party at the Queen’s house started. Inviting the coolest couple in music – one of whom has some seriously bootylicious dance moves – should get the job done.

 PA – And adding renowned party animal Kate Moss to the invite list won’t do any harm. She’s bound to be the last one standing on the dancefloor, plus she’ll be able to provide Kate with expert style advice in the run-up to the big day (although Kate’s is doing pretty well on her own, so far…).

 PA – We know Elton has a strong emotional connection with William after singing at his mother’s funeral. And we also know that he’s Godfather to literally thousands of celebrity babies (well, almost). We’re not sure when William and Kate will be hearing the pitter-patter of tiny royal feet, but there’s no harm in lining up Elton now for Godparent duty.

 PA – Firstly, she’s posh, so she’ll fit in perfectly. Secondly, she’s newly single. And where do single people meet other single people? No, not just the internet, but at weddings! Despite the age gap, we think she might get on like a house on fire with Prince Harry. Woe betide her if she tries to outshine Kate in the dress department, though…

 PA – If only British socialites were as glamorous/interesting/unintentionally hilarious as Paris. We’d love to see her tottering up the steps of the Abbey in a ludicrous outfit, losing control of Tinkerbell the Chihuahua during the ceremony and chatting away on her mobile phone while the happy couple are trying to say their vows.

 PA – Since David and Victoria are British celebrity royalty, it seems only right that they should be invited to the royal wedding. Let’s hope they don’t get confused and try to sit on William and Kate’s thrones at the head of the reception table.

 PA – Who better than the multi-Michelin-starred chef to oversee the lavish royal wedding feast? And there’s the added bonus that shouty chef Gordon will able to keep in line any of William’s rowdy mates who might misbehave. He’ll have to mind his language in front of Her Majesty though…

 PA – Her tireless charity work should endear her to the happy couple, and in particular her interest in campaigning against landmines – a favourite cause of Williams’ late mum Diana. But given her reputation as a man magnet, Kate might want to make sure Ange is seated behind a pillar, just so William won’t be distracted…

 PA – Rio’s the captain of the England football team and Prince William is the president of the FA – so they’re work colleagues. But let’s remember that Rio is a notorious prankster, so he could also lend a hand in organising Will’s stag do. Just remember, Rio, that leaving the heir to the throne n@ked and tied to a lamp post may not do your chances of a knighthood any good.

PA – Now that she’s no longer married to Guy Ritchie, Madge seems to have said goodbye to her tweed breeches and pretend English accent. But even if she’s not trying to be a member of the British aristocracy any more, we’d love to see a wedding reception dance-off between the Queen of Pop and the Queen of England.